


The Jedi Killer Romances the Last Jedi: A Reylo Musical

by VivienLux



Series: The Reylo Crack Collection [5]
Category: Star Wars Episode VIII The Last Jedi, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Crack, F/M, Musicals
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-23
Updated: 2018-03-24
Packaged: 2019-04-06 20:46:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14065263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VivienLux/pseuds/VivienLux
Summary: Kylo Ren wants the scavenger to touch his junk, and quite frankly my dear, he doesn't give a damn who knows.A musical parody of The Last Jedi.





	1. Oh What a Villainous Morning for Island Loving

Scene 1: Oh What a Villainous Morning For Island Lovin’

 

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away….

 

BF-0001, better known as Stan, slowly blinked open his eyes. The last thing he remembered was a blinding white light enveloping him as he clung tightly to his best friend, heterosexual life mate, and partner in crime.

 

“Where’s Phil?!” he gasped as he jolted upright.

 

“It appears in your anger you killed him,” said Kylo Ren gravely.

 

Stan frowned. “What?”

 

Kylo stared at him for a long moment before finally breaking his deadpan expression. “Nah, I’m just screwing with you. He’s wandering down the p-way with his ass hanging out the back of his hospital gown.”

 

It finally registered with Stan exactly who was speaking with him. “Commander Ren? What the hell are you doing here? What the hell am I doing here? I thought we all died on Starkiller! Wait… are we in hell? We’re in hell, aren’t we?”

 

Kylo laughed and clapped him on the back. “Are you kidding me? Hell’s bells, this is the best day of my life!”

 

Stan cut him a crossways look. “Did you get laid?”

 

Kylo was practically beaming. “Funny you should ask. According to Pablo Hidalgo, Rian Johnson, and Mark Hamill, I did.”

 

Stan looked up to see the man of his dreams waltzing into the hospital room. “PHIL!!”

 

“Stan, buddy!” 

 

“I thought we were dead!”

 

Phil practically jumped into bed with Stan, and the two troopers shared a long embrace before Phil finally spoke. “Nah, lucky for us Captain Phasma clawed her ass out of the trash compactor and swooped in for us right before the base blew.”

 

Stan counted on his fingers. “Wait a minute, doesn’t that make like four people in this saga who’ve magically come back to life after an explosion? You, me, Phasma, and that one Resistance cat--”

 

“Oh yeah, you mean General Organa’s pet?”

 

“Poo?” Kylo piped up.

 

The troopers raised a brow at their Mission Commander. “‘Poo’? Really? Very mature.”

 

“What? I can’t stand that guy. He’s a douche.” Kylo rolled his eyes.

 

“He is kindof a douche,” Phil agreed.

 

“But that doesn’t matter because nothing, and I mean nothing, can ruin my good mood today.” Kylo beamed once more.

 

[Oh What a Villainous Morning to the tune of Oh What a Beautiful Morning from Oklahoma!]

 

Kylo: There’s a bright silver haze on my warship.

There’s a bright silver haze on my warship.

The AT-AT’s are high as a rancor’s eye!

And they look like they’re going clear up to the sky!

 

Oh what a villainous morning!

Oh what a villainous day!

I’ve got a villainous feeling —

Everything’s going my way!

 

“He got laid,” Phil told his buddy.

 

“Oh yeah, I wanna hear more about what Kylo did with the scavenger.”

 

Kylo brushed him off. “Eh, it was nothin’.”

 

“Oh yeah, sure, nothing Ren, right?”

 

“You got in her drawers, right?” Phil waggled his brows.

 

“Come on! Tell us about that girl!”

 

***

 

“What’d you do on that island anyway?” Chewie roared to Rey as he flew her dutifully toward the Supremacy.

 

“Oh I spent most of my time communing through the Force. I met a boy there!” 

 

“You hauled your cookies all the way through the Force for some guy?” Chewie grumbled.

 

“Well, he’s sortof special. He was really romantic.”

 

***

“Come on!” Kylo grinned at Phil and Stan. “You don’t wanna hear all the horny details! You can just read the Jason Fry novelization for that!”

 

Phil and Stan both clamored until Kylo threw his hands up in the air. “All right, I’ll tell you!”

 

[Island Nights to the tune of Summer Nights from Grease]

Kylo: Island lovin’, had me a blast!

Rey: Island lovin’, happened so fast!

Kylo: Met a girl, thirsty for me!

Rey: Met a boy, swoll as could be!

 

Both: Island days, drifting away, to ah! Oh those ForceTime nights!

A well a well a well a unh!

Stan and Phil: Tell me more, tell me more, did she thrust off your hip?

Chewie: Tell me more, tell me more, does he have a sweet ship?

 

Kylo: She appeared, said, “Baby I’m here”

Rey: I shot at him, and he disappeared

Kylo: I made her wet all over my hand

Rey: I knew deep down he was really a man 

 

Both: Island sun, something's begun

But ah, oh, those ForceBond nights

Uh well-a well-a well-a huh!

 

Chewie: Tell me more, tell me more

Was it love at first sight?

Phil and Stan: Tell me more, tell me more

Did she put up a fight?

Uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh uh-huh

 

Kylo: Took my shirt off, she came in waves

Rey: I went strolling to the dark side cave

Kylo: We made out in a SmutHut!

Rey: We held hands until our call was cut

Both: Island fling, don't mean a thing

But ah, oh, those ForceBond nights!

 

Stan and Phil: Tell me more, tell me more, did she want to rush?

Chewie: Tell me more, tell me more, let me fix your blush!

 

Rey: He got friendly holding my hand!

Kylo: Yeah, she got friendly down in the sand!

 

[Force Ghost Anakin appears, horrified, then quickly exits]

 

Rey: He was sweet - just turned twenty nine!

Kylo: She tasted like a fine Correllian wine. *licks fingers*

Both: Island heat, boy and girl meet, but oh ah those ForceBond nights!

 

Chewie: Tell me more, tell me more, are you in love with Ben?

Stan and Phil: Tell me more, tell me more, could she get us some friends?

 

Rey: Luke burst in, that’s where it ends

Kylo: So I told her we’re more than Force friends

Rey: Then we made our true love vow

Kylo: Wonder where she’s made it to now

Both: Island dreams, ripped at the seams, but oh those ForceBond nights!

 

Troopers: Tell me more, tell me more!

Rey and Kylo: Oh, oh! Ohhhh!!

 

Kylo said, “Now I’m expecting her any minute, and I need my two most trusted troopers to help me welcome her aboard.”

 

[Oh What Villainous Morning Reprise]

Ren: 

Oh what a villainous morning!

Oh what a villainous day!

I’ve got a villainous feeling --

Let’s bring along handcuffs for Rey.

Oh what a fine kinky day!


	2. Reylomagination

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo discovers the Force Bond and gives Rey a golden ticket to the beefcake factory.

Scene 2: Reylomagination

 

Kylo and the troopers walked purposefully toward the docking bay.

 

“So, you’re gonna have to tell us about this Force Bond thing. Is that what it’s actually called?” said Phil.

 

“No, that was an EU thing. It’s no longer canon. But I think Force Skype has a nice ring to it. Whadda you think, Phil?”

 

“ForceTime. It’s Force _ Time _ . Get it?”

 

“So anyway, how did it happen, Mission Commander?”

 

Kylo smiled to himself. “Well, obviously the Force started connecting us because she and I, well-- we’re meant to be. But as to how we discovered it? Well…”

 

[What’s This? from The Nightmare Before Christmas]

 

Kylo: What's this? What's this?

There's color everywhere

What's this?

There's romance in the air

What's this?

I can't believe my eyes

I must be dreaming

Wake up, Ren, this isn't fair

What's this?

What's this? What's this?

There's something very right

What's this?

A girl sent by the light

What's this?

The huts are lined with

Little frog nuns scowling

Shot up huts have sent them howling

Now here comes Skywalker prowling

What’s this?

Rey’s calling me a monster,

But not shooting at my head

When I agree she cannot seem

To believe what I’ve said

There’s moisture on my mouth and glove

I can't believe my eyes

And in my bones I feel the light

That's coming from inside...

Her look, her touch!

She’s everywhere and all around

I've never felt so good before!

This empty place inside of me is filling up!

I simply cannot get enough!

I want her, oh, I want her!

Oh, I want her for my own!

I've got to know

I've got to know

Why is the Force connecting us?

What is this?

ForceTime, hmm…

 

Stan cut in, “Yeah yeah boss, but how’d you get her to-- ya know.”

 

Kylo raised a brow. “What?”

 

“You know!” said Phil, slipping one index finger in and out of a loop he’d made with his other index finger and thumb. “How’d you get inside her? And I don’t mean her mind.”

 

Kylo got a wistful look on his face as the scene behind him blackened and his shirt melted from his body. The troopers faded out as a mirage of Rey appeared with a cloudy mist around her. He gazed at her sweetly and extended his hand, beginning to sing.

 

[Reylomagination to the tune of Pure Imagination from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory]

 

Kylo: Hold your breath. Make a wish.

Come with me and you’ll be

In a world of Reylomagination!

Touch my hand and you’ll feel

A strange and new sensation

We’ll begin in a sin bin

Feeling lust and pure elation

What we’ll do will defy expectation!

If you want to view my 8 pack, simply look around and view it!

Anything you want to, do it!

Want to touch bare hands? Let’s get down to it…

There is no life I know to compare with Reylomagination!

Coming here, you’ll be free

If you truly wish to be

If you want to view my 8 pack, simply look around and view it!

Anything you want to, do it!

Want to rule the galaxy? There’s nothing to it…

There is no life I know

To compare with Reylomagination

Scavenger, come to me

And fulfill our destiny

 

When Kylo came to the space coffin had arrived, and he peered down at his beautiful Jedi girl. Hoping it wasn’t too presumptuous, he nodded and Stan and Phil cuffed her, escorting his bride to be to the elevator where they’d have some much needed privacy.

 


End file.
